Just another gig
So you start getting ready at 4/20 in the van for five and hit the road.
Its pissing it down with rain and the Motorway is running at a snail pace.
7 pm you arrive at the designated venue . Jump out the van and try getting through the front doors. Alas they've got one of the dreaded 'key entry' devices. You start screaming through the monitor 'hello can you let us in we're the act for tonight'. 10 minutes later and wet through an old bloke comes to the door,lets you in and says 'are you a member'. You reply we're the 'turn' mate. 'Oh he says door are round the back i'll let you in'. old Hollywood wears for prom party
Round the back tou head only to find theres cars parked where you want to load in,undeterred you park at a bizzare angle smack bang in a big puddle because the rain is getting heavier by the minute.
Doors open but not where you're stood and a voice shouts 'Up here mate' A cold shudder comes across you as the last person to navigate such a steep incline was Sherpa Tensing.
Up you climb,stopping on the second ledge to draw breath and contemplate jumping.
As you carry the gear through the door theres an old couple knitting a scarf and both sucking out of a straw a half glass of dilute pop. Ten bingo dabbers on their table and they whinge 'shut the door its freezing' You ignore them and carry on the removal from hell.
Once in the club you then do a full makeover of the stage and remove 25 tables,2 chairs,the bingo table and an old xmas tree from 1972.
Then you enter the dressing room/cupboard where upon you think you've stumbled on the set of the tv programme ' Storage Hoarders. Inside is 5 broken tables,tins of paint,hoovers,broken bingo machines and a broken mirror on the floor. No coat hangers so you throw your clothes over one of the broken chairs and start to set up.
No con sec so you ask the bar staff 'where's the plug points please'. The point you in to the direction at the back of the stage where theres 6 sockets but only one free. All rest of sockets are taken up with Star cloths,Bingo machine and various plugs which don't seem to have anything attached to them.
Once set up you get a drink and sit down. Slowly but surely you realise you're sat in someones seat. A family of 4 come and virtually sit on your knee,constantly chuntering and giving you dirty looks.
Its 8/25 and no sign of a con sec. Then an old bloke walks through the door ,looks round the room and goes to the chairmans box. Quickly you head towards him and say 'hi we're Cats Eyes what time do you want us on'...8/30 he replies..mmmmmmm.
Quickly you rush into the cupboard but before you've even opened your suit bag he's banging on the door asking you if you're ready. 'Five minutes mate' we shout. Through the door he asks do you wan't introducing and whats our name again. We reply just black out and we introduce ourselves.
So we stand waiting for the lights to go out,wait,wait wait until finally think we'd better walk on. Just as we walk on he introduces us 'Welcome Cats Eyes' then turns the lights off. Impact LOST..
Our into starts and once again Cats Eyes are introduced for the second time.
Within 30 seconds theres 3 old dears with fingers in their ears,the people who's table we took have made a rush for their table back and the con sec has made a 3 0 yard dash faster than Eusain Bolt to the front of the stage waving his arms frantically screaming turn it down.
Two songs in and the old couple who are playing cards decide to move to the back and the family whose table we took have barricaded themselves in with coats,chairs a mobility scooter and 2 walking sticks...no bastards are having their table.
First spot ends and con sec asks where his Bingo table. We reply we've used it to put our mixer on but theres a thousand exact tables in the club. He chunters and says but thats our bingo table. He then proceeds and unplugs our mains which sets off a loud bang as the P.A shuts down.
Bingo finishes,a line 5 quid,full house 10 quid and the bingo ticket draw 1 quid. It now becomes a scene from the Bible where Jesus parts the red sea. The whole room virtually disapears for the last bus.
So there we are 12 people left in,3 men and a dog dancing to Human and the con sec shouts' Two more please' at the same time he puts his coat on and fooks off.
Well the dog stood on his hind legs so that constitutes a 'standing ovatio' in our eyes.
Gig over and we hear the dredded rattle of the stewards keys 'How long you gonna be ive got a taxi in 20 minutes. Quickly we pack up and try getting everything in the van before the BARSTEWARDS taxi arrives.
I say to Kirsty we aint be paid yet. I shout to the BARSTEWARD 'who pays us mate'...he replies its a no pick up,your Agent gets the money..shit another 3 month wait.
On the way home theres a detour off the motorway and through another town adding an hour to the journey.
2/30 Am arrive home thank god. Look in the fridge and theres fook all in to eat,so end up eating a weatabix.
Quickly but most important part of the night turn on my laptop,log on to Fake book and on Status update write 'AWESOME NIGHT WHAT A GIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats just another gig in Fakebook bullshit world.