The following events are written from the best of my memory, during the Pharaoh's Challenge, during this year's S-C-A-R-A-B Con. No names, or events have been changed to protect the innocent. There are no innocents in this game.
Steve: (speaking in a deep commentator voice) Hi. I'm Steve. I am the voice of the revolution. Surely, you've heard me across the airwaves, on Alpha waves 29209. I am brought to you by Dirt Conglomerates L.L.C. You need some dirt, because life ain't free, bitches.
Upon this world, you can either go N, Weast, Sorth, or Dennis. Sometimes people choose to go to hell, but that's their prerogative. For those of you beyond my hemisphere, I'm that rare sort of individual that all things seem to orbit around. I come from The Center, that large island just Weast of the smaller, Off Center. Look, I know, all life began in Kansas, but that's beside the point. I be trying to tell a damn story, here.
I wear a pair of 5” stilettos on every mission, especially when going to the border for my favorite restaurant, Taco Cantina. Stilettos just give you that particular swagger.
Imitation Steve: My name is Steve as well, and stilettos are our calling card. We are part of a team of specialist revolutionaries. To be a part of our team, you must wear our uniform: pink leather cocktail dress, with a very high mini-skirt, 5” stilettos.
Steve: And you must adopt the name, Steve.
Imitation Steve: Exactly.
------------------------------After a pause----------------------------------
Imitation Steve: Farther Weast from our home is Dirt Conglomerates L.L.C. You know, that place where dirt is mined, refined, and used for currency. It's a very lucrative business. Did you also know, our world is flat, and surrounded by ice. Beneath, which, is the Great Turtle, carrying us into oblivion.
Narrator: Okay, so you were called in the office for an emergency meeting. Captain Pembroke entered, papers in hand, ready to debrief. . . .
Steve: Oh hell no. You are not allowed to speak without the proper uniform. You need to go back, retrieve that pink swag, and don those 5 inchers you were assigned. If you refuse to be a Steve, you are officially disallowed to give Steve direction.
Imitation Steve: Did you not get the memo?
Captain: I'm. I'm sorry. I'll be right back. (Moments later, the new member of Team Steve arrives).
Steve: That's it. Rock them heels, bitch.
Captain Pembroke: You like them (The Steves voice their affirmation: ahh yeah). We have received information about a planned attack upon this world. Someone has hacked into the perimeter satellite system, and is planning to launch nukes upon the world. (Steve: hmm. Revolutionary.)
As you know these satellites surround the entire flat world, and would mean the total annihilation of life (Steve: outstanding).
Your task, should you decide to accept, is to investigate Dim Guys Inc. Try to increase their security. Then, you should, locate the person involved with this attack, and neutralize this target. You have 48 hours, before the missiles fall.
Steve: Should we choose to accept? We were born for this, honey. Besides, Steve needs some face time with their cameras. (With three quick snaps, our heroes go forth.)
---------------------------Dim Guys Inc.-----------------------------------
It took like 2 hours to reach the front offices of Dim Guys. Flying in by helicopter, the island looks like California: one giant turd. We now have 38 hours until total obliteration. We find the entrance to Dim Guys Inc. is unlocked, and the halls void of any personnel.
Traitor Steve: Let's just blow this place up.
Steve's inner thoughts: I know, you're a little confused. Me too, honey. That S.O.B. has spent much of this first part silently amazed at the greatness that is Steve. Oh, and don't you worry. It will become quite apparent why he's named the traitor.
Preteen Steve: I'll go looking for a terminal. We should be able to find some answers. Maybe we can shut down the satellites, and prohibit the launching of the missiles.
Steve's inner thoughts: Well. . . I plum forgot she was even at this table. She also has been taken back by the greatness that is Steve. Our aura can be quite overpowering, but she is, at least, in proper uniform and regulation heels.
The computer: Welcome to Dim Guys Inc. How may I assist you?
Steve: Wait now. Before we get started, we need to invite you to join Team Steve. You will receive your own uniform, (swoosh: a vacuum sealed case opens, revealing multiple sets of stilettos) your own 5 inchers, and we shall call you Steve.
The computer: Buffering. . . Buffering. . . Hmm. I don't want to be called Steve. I will be called Jeff. Good morning, I am Jeff, how can I help you? (Gasps are heard from Team Steve)
Preteen Steve: Someone has threatened to arm the satellites you control, and use them to obliterate this world. We need your help in locating this individual, before it's too late.
Jeff: Buffering. . . buffering. . . buffering. . . I am sorry. This does not compute. Hello. My name is Jeff, how may I help you.
Steve: First of all, Jeff is a horrible name, and, secondly, I will need to find a Taco Cantina, for tacos and cocktails.
Jeff: (The mobile unit begins beeping, calculating, buffering, and calculating some more. It finally pings on a destination in CEO Ville.) This is the closest Taco Cantina location near you.
Preteen Steve: We need you to focus on our mission, Jeff. Can you tell us who has been changing or modifying your programming.
Imitation Steve: Perhaps you should change Jeff's programming, to thwart the attack.
Traitor Steve: I could always blow up this computer.
Jeff: That would not be wise. Such an action would constitute an attack. I would be forced to defend myself.
Traitor Steve: Let me blow it up. Come on. Can I blow it up?
Preteen Steve: Jeff (How may I help you?). Can you direct us someone with the clearance to modify your programming?
Traitor Steve: I could use seduction.
Imitation Steve: You just need to dial 555- rent a friend.
Jeff: I notified our lead programmer, Lane, of your need for assistance.
Preteen Steve: Do you trust him.
Jeff: He has been working for Dim Guys for 6 whole months. He is our most trusted employee.
Rogue Programmer: Hello. My name is Lane. What can I do for you?
Imitation Steve: So, you're Not Jeff?
Preteen Steve: Hello, Not Jeff. We have been alerted to a bomb threat. A rogue operative has threatened to launch nukes upon the world. We have been sent to nullify the threat.
Imitation Steve: I'm actually thinking this whole, “destroy the world thing” is actually a good idea.
Steve: Really? Intriguing. Being the 'voice of the revolution,' I totally sanctify this idea.
Not Jeff: Well. . . I did Infiltrate Dim Guys Inc to destroy the system we live under. I want to rid the world of those evil CEOs.
Imitation Steve: We could take out the satellites, to take the power away from the evil CEOs. It would be a great way to start life anew.
Preteen Steve: Just as long as we still have our TVs and video games.
Traitor Steve: We gotta have those.
Jeff: Destroying the satellites sounds like bad idea. Are you threatening to destroy Jeff? Why would you want to destroy Jeff?
Imitation Steve: So, in order to save the world, we will destroy all satellites, but not the computers. That's actually a great idea. But, how about we go further. We could change sides, and, instead of saving the world from destruction, let's just let it happen.
Narrator: Where will you go?
Imitation Steve: We can go to CEO Ville, find a bomb shelter, and wait for the New World Order. Corporations are a scam, anyway.
Steve: This reminds me back when I first joined this team of revolutionaries. Originally, I fully intended to betray you at the first opportunity. It wasn't until we formed a bond and became Team Steve, that I realized I was right where I belonged.
Imitation Steve: Wait, Not Jeff! Before we become teammates, I need to know: Do you believe in the Holy Turtle?
(Steve, and Not Jeff, both simultaneously pull out their Holy Turtle texts, and recite: upon his shoulders, he carries the world.)
Imitation Steve: Do you have your sacred tortoise shell?
Not Steve: Hell yeah!
Imitation Steve: I love you (Not Jeff professed the same). Pulling a wing nut from his pocket, Imitation Steve proposes (Not Jeff accepts). Now we need to find a bomb shelter, to ride out the radiation.
Steve: This is all rather adorable, but I gotta get to the Taco Cantina for tacos and cocktails. (Jeff whirs, bleeps, and computes the closest Taco Cantina destination)
Imitation Steve: It will be a New World Order.
Steve: We are revolutionaries at heart, after all.
Imitation Steve: No more years! No more years!
Traitor Steve: Wait a minute. I don't want to destroy the world. There will be nothing left. Why don't we just stick to the plan, and shoot down all the satellites?
Imitation Steve: We have to destroy the world. (he starts the Disney song, A whole new world order)
--------------------CEO Ville and the Board----------------------------
Steve: First things, first. We need to go to a Taco Cantina for tacos and cocktails.
Our heroes buy all the tacos, cocktails, and hot sauce they can carry. They then proceed through CEO Ville, in search of a bomb shelter.
Imitation Steve: I walk around asking these rich bastards if they have a bomb shelter. (tap, tap, tap) Do you have a bomb shelter. (tap, tap, tap) Do you have a bomb shelter.
Narrator: Nobody is responding. They are too busy with their own lives to respond.
Steve: Knocking house-to-house, I offer Steve Cookies, cooked by Team Steve, for those who provide us with a bomb shelter.
Imitation Steve: I begin shooting in the head those who refuse to respond, until I find one that answers my question with a yes.
It does not take our heroes long to find someone willing to lead them to his bomb shelter.
Steve: I ask if his security system has facial recognition. Given the affirmation I was looking for, I used my Facial Morpher to assume his identity, and informed Imitation Steve to deal with him as he wishes. (BAM!)
Narrator: You walk inside and notice all the amenities: bathroom, couches, video games. However, you also notice a skylight window.
Our heroes pack up their Taco Cantina and search for another shelter. It was then that air raid sirens began alarming the public of the impending attack. Throngs of CEOs began running in the same direction. In a frantic search for safety, our heroes evacuated the premises, and continued attacking all the CEOs they could find, in hopes of procuring a new bomb shelter. Following the crowd, they saw us approaching, and closed the quickly door. Traitor Steve begins targeting the building the crowd entered, bringing two-thirds of it down to the ground. Debris and rubble now covering the door, Steve grabs his trusty Kinetic Breachers, and thrums opens the door. Everyone inside is eliminated, and the door sealed, just as the bombs touch ground. royal and nave blue color collections for cocktail
------------------------Peeking over the edge----------------------------
Years pass, as our heroes wait out the fallout. Having running low supplies, and having eaten all their tacos, Team Steve decided it was time to venture into this New World Order. The world still in ruin, Team Steve finds everything radioactive. Even the water glows from this waste.
Imitation Steve: Let's look over the edge of the world, and see what happened to the turtle.
Narrator: You see there is no turtle.
Not Jeff: Do you mean everything was a lie?
Imitation Steve: I shoot Not Jeff (rolling dice, he barely hit). Sure I missed most his head the 1st time. Then the gun jammed. So I had to hit him with the butt of the gun.
Steve: Yet, you missed again. The poor fellow started crawling away.
Imitation Steve: I just bash him, until he quits moving.
Narrator: Why would you kill him? He was your husband, your true love. And you just willfully shot and bludgeon him to death.
Imitation Steve: I couldn't let him to learn he has been living a lie. It would have been too much, to let him live with the realization that The Great Turtle never actually existed.
Narrator: So he had to die?
Imitation Steve: Exactly. I loved him too much, to let the horror of false faith crush him. It's what Not Jeff would have wanted (teary-eyed).
Narrator: Well. . . Here you are, flying over the other side. You can restart your mission, to try and save this world. Everything here is at the exact point in which you first started.
Preteen Steve: So we can go back to Dim Guys Inc, so we can find a new Not Jeff, and save this world.
Imitation Steve: I am officially going through a goth phase. I dye my hair black, and paint my nails the same. I write sad, morbid poetry about Not Jeff.
Steve: Then, let's go back to Dim Guys Inc, and figure things out.
Steve: I also tell them I am the voice of the revolution, and invite them to take a selfie with me (turning the robot's backs from their leader, I give my teammates an opening to attack).
Imitation Steve: Imitation Steve: In anger, I douse myself with a vial of rich people's blood I collected from CEO's Ville, and attack.
Steve: I will use my Persuasion to convince the robots I am not with Team Steve, and walk away in a non-threatening manner (good roll).
Traitor Steve: I'm going to seduce them to fall in love with me.
Steve: Traitor Steve just wants some plug-in love.
Imitation Steve: Traitor Steve, you are still a traitor. Damn it, Traitor Steve, you are ruining the New World Order. (bang) If I can't be loved, you can't.
Traitor Steve: I go over to seduce the robot leader.
Imitation Steve: That's it, I quit. I am outta here. I climb back into the helicopter and leave.
Before following Imitation Steve, Steve decided to assist his former team members one last time. With a critical attack, he takes three robots with one shot. Takes out one more robot, and runs for the helicopter. Traitor Steve begins sexting the lead robot. Preteen Steve is astonished at the turn of events.
Imitation Steve grabs Steve and jumps from the helicopter. Falling, reaching terminal velocity, only one thing dominated Imitation Steve's mind. He looks to Steve and says,
Imitation Steve: I know this is an odd moment, but I need to know. Would you marry me?
Steve: I thought you'd never ask.
Pulling the wing nut from his pocket, and places it on his finger. They reach out, hold hands, and enjoy the moment. Imitation Steve Yells a declaration to the world: This is the happiest day of my life. (SPLAT!)
As darkness falls upon another day, a figure approaches in the distance. Having four legs and a shell, it is The Great Turtle. It has returned. While resuming his position beneath this disk world, he is heard saying, “Damn, I walk away for 5 minutes to take a piss, and look at what happens.”
Preteen Steve: I did not see things going this way.